By: Regan Gray (she/her)
Word Count: 897 words
Content Warning: public masturbastion
Author’s Note: This list uses the Dungeons & Dragons character alignment grid and is deeply indebted to Daniel Lavery’s “In Order” series. If you’re not sure what those things are, it doesn’t matter: have fun!
DIRECTLY BEFORE BED
The most respectful time of the jerking off game, bedtime is optimal to smash one out à la mode with all the acoutrements available. Oh-la-la, look at you, you horny yet reliable minx! Maybe this involves lighting a Boy Smells candle, cranking SZA on your noise-cancelling headphones and loading the latest chapter in your fairy porn saga. Maybe it’s a folded down towel and a fully-charged laptop, its blank incognito window open to Google Search eagerly anticipating literally anything you decide to throw at it. Your free hand is available to procure snacks, scroll, and perform any other action you desire. Take as long as you need and once you’re done it’s nighty-night, lights out.
RANKING: LAWFUL GOOD
THE “BLUE HOUR”, PRE SUNRISE
The bodily equivalent of a Longchamp tote, this time of day suits the stubbornly practical. Committing to an orgasm before the sun schleps from its own twilight bed is commendable, though your chipper morning attitude likely won’t win you any favours with the night-owls at the office. So what? Who needs them? You toss off with admirable speed in the shower cubicle at the gym, flushed with Pilates-enduced-endorphins with a bullet vibrator you charged overnight. You bend the rules to squeak in this small pleasure, and honestly? No harm, no foul. Well done. You deserve it.
RANKING: NEUTRAL GOOD
ANYTHING YOU DEEM ‘EARLY’ OVER THE WEEKEND
Hello, fair maiden of the morning. Pray tell, didst thou wake with a sour hole in your belly, pain lancing through your skull? Oh, it is she, the most vicious of hangover’s but you fear it not, for you are no spring chicken, and this is not your first “I’ll join for happy hour but then I’m serious, I’ve got to go home early”. You know the remedy by heart: first, swallow the last stale mouthful of water from the mason jar at your bedside. Next, fumble in the nightstand for the girthy handle of your trusty Magic Wand. Apply as needed, shriek “Get back, Satan!” as you finish, and fall promptly back to the dreamless sleep of babes while the desiccated shell of your body continues to decay. Soon enough there will be greasy delivery and an ibuprofen to take care of the rest. At least you felt healed for a minute!
RANKING: CHAOTIC GOOD
YOUR LUNCH HOUR
Look, everyone’s got to start somewhere. One of the first steps to kicking the cop in your head to the curb is masturbating while on the clock. You’re not getting paid at lunch, but this is a great time to scope out spots to eke one out. +1 bonus point if the thrill of getting caught red-handed in Shipping & Receiving gets you there quicker than usual.
RANKING: LAWFUL NEUTRAL
5:05PM AND YOU WORK FROM HOME
Oh my god, pick a side already. That meeting should have been an email, and your bed is right there. You’re owed this. Look to your friends, the LAWFUL NEUTRALs, and dig yourself out from this wishy-washy pit.
RANKING: TRUE NEUTRAL
If it’s mid-evening, chances are you’re supposed to be doing something other than masturbating, so kudos for putting you first! Late to the dinner table because you paid for this scene in US dollars, it’s 26 minutes long and way too good to scrub through? Meant to be ready for the Uber in half an hour and you’re only now fulling your bulb with lukewarm water, visions of butt-plugs dancing in your head? Congratulations! You’re chaotic and we love you for it.
RANKING: CHAOTIC NEUTRAL
Depending on your industry and general tolerance for masochism, you might look at this number and say it’s “not that early”, but also, what the fuck, friend? What the actual fuck? To be jerking off at this time means you have to already be awake and sentient enough to do so. Please, for the love of god, sleep in another 15 minutes and do it in your car before you join the other folks on set. Caveat: if you’re still awake at 5:30 am from the night before, see CHAOTIC GOOD.
RANKING: LAWFUL EVIL
MARKED ON YOUR CALENDAR
Technically, any time spent on self-love is time well spent. But! Let us not fall victim to rote rhythms and limit our cum-filled hours according to someone’s else’s rules. You have taken the tried and true system of following surges of horniness or boredom to their natural conclusion and squeezed the spunk of sponteneity from them. Schedule your sessions as necessary, but leave room to expand your horizons, lest you begin to lose your groove. If you’re a person who wakes with the dawn, look to the NEUTRAL GOOD’s for inspiration.
RANKING: NEUTRAL EVIL
WILLY NILLY, IN PUBLIC, SPECIFICALLY ON PUBLIC TRANSIT
You are at best the equivalent to a wily cat pushing the glass to the counter’s edge: you’re begging to get a spray of water (or worse! It’s going to be worse!) in the face. Stop that! There’s a time (literaly 24/7/365) and a place (see: anywhere once you’re alone or among consenting adults.) My god, were you raised by wolves?!
RANKING: CHAOTIC EVIL
Bio: Regan Gray (she/her) is a writer, reader and watcher of all things queer, erotic and horror. She is a Black woman living on the unceded territories of the Squamish, Musqueum and Tseil-Waututh peoples in Vancouver, Canada. You can find her on Substack at @regangraywrites.
MASTURBATING WITHOUT LUBE = CHAOTIC EVIL, SHOP LUBES!
Tags: NSFW, humour, masturbation, sex toys, vibrators, anal plugs, D&D character chart, public masturbastion